morbid? probably.

sketch by ©kbaergen

lately, conversations and my thoughts have led me to believe that i am a morbid person.  a few years ago i would have never thought this of myself, but now, whoa, morbidity is lurking around every corner and in every passing car.  literally.  i think about these things every day.  don't be concerned.  i don't want to die.  nor do i dwell on these thoughts for more than the split second they enter my brain. however, i find it interesting to dissect these thoughts at later points, when they aren't so vivid or real.

here are some examples: 

#1. driving to or from my house i pass through a slightly rougher area.  when driving home, late at night, in that area, i imagine that any of the cars that pass by will open fire and i'll get shot - the death part is always unclear. 

#2. every time i have to reach over the meat-slicer at work i imagine it spinning out of control, going wild, and slicing through my sternum.  this is impossible, unless some outside invisible spirit took hold of it and made these things happen. a lot of blood & guts. but, unclear ending. 

#3. when walking on the side of the road i usually have a thought of the car, which is about to pass by, going out of control, and hitting me or coming very close to it, causing a huge accident, with blood,  explosions and smoke.  again, unclear ending. 

in each of these scenarios everything turns to the apocalypse, in a movie-like setting.  slow motion.  appropriate emotion evoking music.  fog and deep, hazy colors.  less about death and gore, more about cinematic aesthetics.  the hero.  how i might react.  you know, romanticizing it.  kind of like Delacroix's painting of Liberty Leading The People - smoke and death are lurking, but there's hope and beauty marching through. 

one of my favorite paintings of all time. talk about swoon factor. sheesh. 

maybe it's part of how i entertain myself.  mixed with too many frightening movies.  my imagination has always been vivid, and more often than not i catch myself thinking about the strangest things.  but that's what we love about ourselves, right?  these are the things we don't usually tell people, but they're quarks that make us unique in ourselves. 

what are your quarks? the strange things you love, but you don't say them, because they're "odd" or you never identified them as something you love about yourself?

think about it. it's wednesday, you need to entertain your brain somehow. 

- k. 

ps. the fog is lurking and the mist is suspended in the air. i swear. (and i love it).